LTFU Onion File: Wow what a week we’re having!! ACA – SCOTUS envy AND soaring polls … Soaring polls .. well some of us have those but The Donald isn’t one of them. We just learned Birther Donald has old man penis anxiety.
NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom’s full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his aged, shriveled penis before getting dressed and leaving his residence in Manhattan’s Trump Tower to start the day.
According to reports, the 66-year-old had laid his suit out on his bed and was preparing to step into a pair of silk boxer shorts when he glimpsed his deteriorating body in the mirror. Trump then spent approximately 15 to 20 minutes morosely reflecting on his appearance, dedicating most of that time to gazing at his desiccated sexual anatomy and contemplating its all-but-total lack of function.
“God, look at this thing,” said a dejected Trump, hoisting up a large quantity of belly flab with his forearm to make his stunted organ visible. “Pitiful.”
Trump, who in just over an hour would be appearing on the morning show Fox And Friends to assert that the president of the United States was not an American citizen, is said to have grasped the bulb of his penis with his thumb and forefinger and stretched the organ to its full 3-inch length before letting it go and leaving it to loll on an unruly tangle of mostly gray pubic hair. Noticing the pronounced droop of his scrotum, Trump glumly cupped his testicles in his hand and lifted them several inches until they reached the approximate height at which they had hung in his youth and even into early middle age.
From In Your Face Radio, post SATIRE: Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day
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